Fade Away
by MorganBella13
Summary: "You can't let me fade away, Eli. You can't let me disappear. Please." He wrapped his arms around her. "I promise I won't. I'll always be here for you."
1. Don't Let Me Disappear

Clare stared down at the blood dripping from her wrists. She sighed and headed for the bathroom. It's just like any other night. Clare didn't know how she started cutting, but she did know that it made her feel better. That it took away some of her pain, if only for a little while. Eli had the same effect on her, but she knew he would never like her the way she liked him. They would never be more than English partners.

Walking back into her room with freshly cleaned wrists, she heard a loud ping from her computer. Sitting down at her desk, she read the message.

**eli-gold49: hey**

**clare-e23: hi**

**eli-gold49: whats up?**

Clare heard shouting and the smashing of objects from downstairs and groaned softly, letting a tear slip down her face.

**clare-e23: parents are fighting…again. **

**eli-gold49: do you want me to come over?**

She bit her lip nervously, listening to the screaming. She didn't want Eli to hear that. It made everything too…personal. She began typing.

**clare-e23: i dont know if thats such a good idea right now…**

_**eli-gold49 has logged off**_

Clare groaned again. He never listened to her. He was going to hear her parents fighting, possibly find out about her abusive father. She didn't want that. As she was pondering her thoughts, she heard a rustling of trees as Eli climbed through her window. She hadn't realized she had been crying until then.

Eli saw the tears on her face and strode over to her, wrapping her in his arms, whispering it was going to be okay as she cried on his shirt, getting it soaked. Eli didn't care, though. Clare was in his arms. He hated the expression on her face when he came in. She looked vulnerable. Broken. He wanted to fix her pain so badly. Make the hurt stop. For now, all he could do was be there for her. Be her friend.

They both heard a scream coming from downstairs and jumped apart.

"Stay here." Claire whispered, running out the door and down the stairs. Her mom lay on the couch, cradling her cheek, staring at her father. Clare didn't have to guess what had happened. She screamed at her father, but she regretted it as soon as the words came out of her mouth. He came flying at her and punched her in the face. She fell to the ground but she didn't make any noise. She couldn't have Eli coming down here. He kicked her repeatedly before storming out of the house and into the night. She slowly got up, tears streaming down her face, and did the best she could to get up the stairs.

Eli saw her coming through the door, tears on her face, and a red mark on her cheek that was already forming into a bruise. He stood up quickly, anger coursing through him.

"What happened?" He said darkly. Clare shook her head.

"It's okay, Eli. He-he just got mad, is all." She whispered quietly. He clenched his fists.

"It sure as hell is not okay, Clare. I'm going to kill-" Clare cut him off.

"No. Please don't do anything. It'll only make things worse." She pleaded. He only nodded his head.

"I-uh-have to go to the bathroom." She said, walking off abruptly. She didn't have to actually use the bathroom. She needed major stress relief. Lucky for her, she always kept a spare knife in the bathroom. She closed the door, forgetting to lock it, and pulled out her knife.

She sliced it across her skin, the blood beginning to pour out. She cried softly, the tears gradually coming faster and harder. She didn't know how long she could take this anymore. She dragged the knife across her skin again, crying even harder. She heard a voice.

"Clare? Are you okay?" Eli walked towards the bathroom door, hearing Clare's crying. Clare froze. She didn't have enough time to hide anything and the door open in front of her.

Eli stood there, staring, trying to register what he was seeing. Clare was sitting on the bathroom floor, a knife in her hand, her wrists covered in blood.

"What the hell?" He muttered, still observing the scene in front of him. He knelt down next to her and pried the knife out of her hands.

"Eli, I-" He cut her off.

"Why?" He asked her quietly, staring at her with those beautiful green eyes. Tears kept slipping down her cheeks as she thought about telling the truth. She sighed. Eli always knew when she was lying. She had to be honest.

"The…pain makes me feel…alive. Like I'm…like I'm really here. Like I'm not just…f-fading." She stuttered out, looking at him, searching for a reaction.

"Clare, you need to stop. Please. You're not making things better by doing this. You're only making it harder for yourself." Clare shook her head.

"I-I can't stop…" She whimpered. He pulled her into him, not caring if she was getting blood on his shirt. All he cared about was that Clare was hurting herself. He pulled away.

"We need to get you cleaned up." He said quietly. He tended to her cuts, anger boiling with each cut he found. This wasn't Clare. It wasn't _his_ Clare. She whimpered again.

"You can't let me fade away, Eli. You can't let me disappear. Please." She cried into him. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head softly.

"I promise I won't. I'll always be here for you." He whispered quietly. He couldn't let his Clare hurt herself like this. He wouldn't. In that moment he had made it his mission to keep her safe. No more games. He needed to be there for her.

"Will you…will you stay with me tonight?" She asked him quietly. He nodded and she let out a sigh of relief. She didn't think she could handle being alone tonight. She was too scared of never resurfacing.

"I need to change…" She muttered, looking down at her blood-stained clothes, before grabbing her pajamas and disappearing into the bathroom. She came out a few moments later, wearing a white cami and boy shorts. It exposed her body, allowing Eli to see the bruises that covered her. He practically growled at the sight, his hands clenching into fists.

But before he had a chance to react she strode over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

"Thank you." She whispered quietly. He pulled her towards the bed and laid down next to her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close to him.

"Goodnight, Blue Eyes." He whispered. She smiled slightly before drifting off into unconsciousness.


	2. Drowning

Clare woke with a start, an arm around her waist, a body pressed against hers. She turned her head to see Eli's sleeping face, so close to hers. She tried to get up, but his grip tightened around her waist, pulling her closer.

She realized she wasn't going to be able to move anytime soon, so she relaxed into Eli, falling into a deeper sleep. When she awoke again, she was alone, and couldn't help but feel the emptiness of not having him next to her.

She slowly stood up. Her knees buckled underneath her as she fell to the floor in pain, crying out. Her ribs ached. She couldn't move. Eli came rushing out of the bathroom to find her curled up on the floor in pain.

"Clare? Clare, what's wrong?" He asked, his voice laced with panic. She whimpered quietly.

"My ribs…" She whispered. The pain had kicked in, the aftermath of the previous night.

"What happened?" He asked her, still anxious. Why was his Clare in so much pain? She realized she hadn't told him the entire story. He had just seen what he did to her face last night. She lifted up her shirt a little bit, revealing large purple bruises across her ribs.

"I was kicked a few times." She winced and pulled her shirt back down, tears rolling down her cheeks. He wanted to kill her dad for doing this to her. For putting her through so much pain.

He picked her up off the floor and laid her down on her bed. She curled up into a ball once more. He sighed. He couldn't leave her here like this, considering how dangerous her father was. He couldn't let her get hurt again.

"Get dressed. Pack a bag. You're coming with me." He said quietly. Clare looked at him in shock but nodded, struggling to get up. She limped towards her dresser, grabbing a bag and throwing in clothes. She walked towards her bathroom, leaving the door open so Eli knew she wasn't doing anything stupid. She grabbed the essentials: deodorant, toothbrush, hairbrush, etc… She didn't know where Eli was taking her but she needed to get away from this place. She trusted him.

He picked her up and she leaned against his chest, feeling his warmth. He picked up her bag and swiftly climbed out the window, carrying her to his hearse. He laid her down carefully in the backseat, putting her bag on the floor next to her before sliding behind the wheel and taking off.

Clare had drifted in and out of sleep over the course of the ride, but was awake when they pulled up to a house. Clare looked over at Eli, a confused expression etched on her face.

"Y-you brought me to your house?" She asked quietly. He nodded.

"I couldn't let you get hurt again, Clare. If you stayed there, I knew you would. Just please, stay here with me for a little while." He begged her. He couldn't let her go back and get beaten again. She nodded in response and he let out a sigh of relief.

She pulled out her cell phone, sending a text to her mom, saying she was at Alli's for the weekend, and then a text to Alli asking her to cover if it were to come up. Eli opened the door and lifted her up, carrying her into the house. She didn't have the energy to protest, to say she could walk on her own. She knew she couldn't. He laid her on the couch.

"Are you hungry?" He asked. She only nodded her head, as sleep overtook her once again.

She woke up to the smell of food. Eli came over to her quickly, setting down a plate of eggs and bacon and a glass of orange juice in front of her. She smiled at him.

"I didn't know you could cook." She said to him as she took a bite of the eggs. He smirked in response, sitting down next to her and wrapping his arms around her as she ate off the plate sitting in her lap.

"How you feeling, Blue Eyes?" He asked her quietly. She smiled up at him.

"Better. Thank you, Eli." He smiled. "But, I have a question. Why go to all this trouble? Why me? It's not like I'm anything special." He looked down at her in shock. It was now or never. He leaned down and slowly pressed his lips to hers. Shocks went through their bodies. To his surprise, she kissed back.

Their mouths moved in sync. His tongue brushed her lower lip and she let him in. His tongue explored every inch of her mouth, finally tasting her. He wanted her. He needed her. They broke apart for air.

"Does that answer your question?" He asked her. She nodded and smiled to herself, curling deeper into him, breathing him in. Nobody had ever kissed her like that before.

"So about this whole awkward conversation about what we are…" She started. He stopped her.

"We're official, Clare. I'm not that kind of guy." He said. She smiled up at him again, taking in what he looked like, knowing that he was hers. Soon enough, Eli had fallen asleep. The silence allowed Clare to drown in her thoughts, one thing after another, piling up, suffocating her.

She slipped out of Eli's grasp and limped into the kitchen, searching for a knife. She finally found one and huddle into the corner, dragging it across her wrist. She saw the blood ooze out and felt a tremendous weight being lifted off of he shoulders. With every drop of blood, her pain washed away for a moment.

She didn't hear him walk into the kitchen, nor did she see the expression on his face. He looked at her. She was smiling this time, the blood dripping down her wrists.

"Clare…" He whispered, tears forming in his eyes. She jumped up, startled, but immediately regretted it, as she winced and slid down against the wall, bringing her knees to her chest. She started crying. He took the knife out of her hands.

"Clare, please. Please stop. You can't keep hurting yourself." He pleaded, pain in those gorgeous green eyes.

"I'm drowning, Eli. I-I can't find my way back up." She whispers, collapsing into him, crying until her head pounded and her heart ached. She couldn't do this anymore. It was getting too hard, every day.

She wanted to make it all go away. She wanted to resurface. She didn't want to disappear, be forgotten. She wanted someone to love her.


	3. Whiskey Lullaby

They laid there on the kitchen floor, Eli cradling Clare as she cried quietly. He hated to see her hurting. He wanted to fix things for her. But he was still having trouble understanding.

"I just…I just don't get it, Clare. Why?" He asked once again, unable to comprehend how cutting would solve her problems.

"I'm numb, Eli. I feel like I'm going to disappear. I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." She whispered. His heart was breaking. Why her? She never deserved this. Any of it. He should've been more observant. Maybe he could've stopped all these things from happening to her. Why hadn't he noticed sooner? The abuse, the cutting…all of it. He had seen the sadness in her eyes, but he had figured it was just her parents arguing. He should've noticed the clothes that covered her entire body. He should've notice the makeup caked onto her face in order to cover up her bruises.

She had fallen asleep on him, curling up into his chest. She was dreaming. Dreaming about the night everything had started, and how it had all gone downhill.

_She was sitting in her room, working on her English assignment. She heard the usual yelling and tried to ignore it, focusing on what she was writing about. That's when she heard a crash and her mother screaming. She jumped up from her desk, running downstairs, watching the scene in front of her unfold._

_Her father had thrown a vase at her mother's head. It had broken, leaving her unconscious. Clare screamed and her father turned to stare at her, looking from her to her mother, who was curled up against the wall, out cold. He paused a moment before lunging at her._

_He grabbed her hair, nearly ripping it out of her skull, before pulling her backwards and throwing her into the table. She could feel the glass going into her skin, and she cried out in pain. He kicked her in the stomach a few times, and then leaned down and whispered something in her ear. She could smell the whiskey on his breath._

"_Don't tell anyone." In the demand there was a hint of a threat, edging at her. She nodded, tears beginning to pour out. He had left after that, getting in his car and driving away. Clare laid there, trying to get up, gently pulling pieces of glass from her body._

She woke up crying, gasping for air. She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't keep living like this. She needed to breathe. Eli was gone and she was lying on his couch. An idea came into her mind. If Eli wouldn't let her cut away her pain, she'd just have to find another method.

Eli walked downstairs. Clare dried her eyes before he could see the tearstains.

"Hey, you're awake. How're you feeling?" He asked, sitting down next to her. She sucked in a deep breath.

"I think I need to go home…" She said quietly. His eyes darkened. She was going to get hurt again. One way or another. Seeing the expression on his face, she stuttered out an excuse.

"Don't worry, Eli. Neither of them are going to be home tonight. And I swear to you I won't cut. You can check my arms tomorrow if it'll make you feel better." She said. He nodded. She stood up, finally able to walk on her own, and gathered her things. Eli opened the car door for her and she slid in.

He came around the other side and got behind the wheel. They drove in silence until they reached her house. He pulled in the driveway, noticing that her parent's cars weren't there. He grabbed her hand and pulled her toward him.

"Be safe." He whispered, kissing her. She wanted to stay with him forever, but she was numb again. She was drifting. She needed something to make her feel better again. She got out of the car, waving goodbye to Eli, and ran up the steps and into her house.

She knew where it was, where it was kept. She went straight for the kitchen, opening up on of the cabinets. She saw a dozen bottles, most of them different. She didn't know which to choose. She grabbed the one up front. Vodka. She popped it open and took a sip, feeling it wash down her throat. Instead of making her gag, it made her feel good. She felt happier with each sip she took, feeling the pain go away. She didn't want this feeling to go away.

The bottle was almost empty. She downed the rest of it, feeling tired, and for the first time in a long time, she didn't cry herself to sleep.

When she woke up her head was pounding, the light was blinding. She didn't like this feeling. She stumbled into the kitchen and fished out another bottle of vodka, pouring it down into her water bottle. She took a giant gulp, instantly feeling a little better. Another gulp. Another gulp. She heard a knock at her door and looked out the window, her eyes finding a black hearse parked in her driveway.

She grabbed her backpack and opened the door for Eli, dodging a kiss. He looked at her, confused. She giggled at his expression.

"Let me see your arms, Clare." He said after a moment's pause. She laughed again.

"Wow, what a way to greet a person." She said to him, lifting up the sleeves on her shirt to reveal only scars left from previous cuts.

"I'm proud of you." He said quietly, grabbing her hand and leading her toward the hearse. When she got in, she leaned her head against the window, watching the shapes and figures pass her by. She took another sip from her water bottle. The alcohol coursed down her throat. Everything felt fuzzier.

"Clare, are you alright?" Eli asked, taking his eyes off the road and turning to look at her. She had been spaced out.

"Huh? What? Oh…yeah, I'm fine." She stuttered out, laying her head back on the window. Eli knew there was something she wasn't telling him but he let it go for now. They pulled up to school and Clare took another gulp from her water bottle.

Eli walked around the car and let her out, putting his arm around her. People stared but Clare barely even noticed. She was too out of it, too focused on making sure she stayed with this feeling. She didn't pay any attention in her first few classes. When lunch rolled around, she met Eli by his car and ate lunch with him. Everything was fine. That is, until he kissed her.

It was a quick kiss, but he pulled back immediately, tasting the alcohol on her lips. He stared at her for a minute. She looked down.

"Have you been drinking?" He demanded, snatching her water bottle from her and smelling it. His eyes darkened.

"Really, Clare? Now this? What's next? Are you gonna become a drug addict?" He stared at her accusingly.

"I only promised I wouldn't cut. I haven't broken my promise." She said.

"You aren't thinking straight. You're hurting yourself. You can't keep doing this!" He yelled. She looked up at him, her eyes burning with rage. He had never seen her that mad before.

"What do you expect me to do, Eli? I don't have another way to cope! I can't do this anymore! Writing's not enough anymore! It will never be enough!" She screamed at him, tears running down her face. He realized he would have to distance himself from her. He couldn't watch her destroy herself anymore.

"I can't do this anymore, Clare. It's too much for me to handle. I'm sorry." He said quietly. Clare looked at him, shocked at his words, before composing herself.

"Wow." She said, grabbing her backpack and stumbling out of the car, running away from the school. She couldn't take the burning pain in her ribs anymore and she collapsed on the sidewalk, crying softly.


	4. Put A Drink In My Hand

"Clare? Clare, can you hear me? You alright?" She heard a voice and rolled over on the cold sidewalk, groaning in pain. She opened her eyes and came face to face with Fitz.

"What do you want?" She snapped, her voice sharp with anger as the memories of the day came flooding back to her.

"Whoa, sorry. Just saw you lying on the sidewalk. Thought I would see what's up." He inhaled deeply. "Shit, Clare. I can smell you from here. You been drinking?" He asked with a smile on his face. She nodded.

"Alright, got anymore to share?" He asked. She nodded again, pulling out a bottle from her backpack. He took a gulp and smiled again, handing it back to her.

"Where's that emo kid? Shouldn't he be worried about you?" He asked her, confusion etched on his face. She nearly growled.

"I don't want to talk about it." She said through clenched teeth. He looked at her in shock.

"Did he like break up with you or something?" She nodded. "Well you know, if you want a ride back to school, I'll give you one. Besides, I bet it'll piss him off if he sees you driving back to school with me." Clare smiled a little bit and let him help her up, getting in his car. She didn't put on her seatbelt. She frankly didn't care if she died or not.

The car ride was silent. They just passed around the bottle. Each taking gulp after gulp until they finally pulled up to the school. How long had she been running? Eli saw Fitz's car pull up and narrowed his eyes, just at the sight of him getting out. That is, until she saw Clare stumbling out, probably drunk.

He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Clare was getting out of _Fitz's_ car. When did this happen? He honestly couldn't believe what he was witnessing. She almost fell and he grabbed her shoulder to steady her. She smiled. Eli growled, watching that Neanderthal touch his Clare.

But she wasn't his anymore. She was falling. She couldn't find her way out. She was way too deep in this mess of her life. She was singing softly under her breath.

_I find myself running in circles  
Lost and half insane  
And I need a cure sometimes  
To knock out the pain_

So I yell out for some kind of angel  
To come down and rescue me  
Be as soft as you can  
Put a drink in my hand  
I'm as scared as I ever could be

"You're a good singer." Fitz muttered. She smiled again. This was what she needed. Someone who didn't judge her or try to 'fix' her. She turned and saw Eli, sitting under a tree, looking darkly at her and Fitz. She giggled under her breath, smirking at Eli and pressing the bottle to her lips before passing it to Fitz.

'_Oh, so he was encouraging her to drink…that bastard.'_ Eli thought. He hated this. How did she even end up hanging out with Fitz? He texted Adam and told him Clare was with Fitz. He didn't say anything else about the situation, but asked him to be a spy

Clare was still walking with Fitz when Adam came up to them. He pulled Clare aside.

"What are you doing with _that_, Clare?" He asked her quietly. She giggled. "What is that smell? Whoa, are you drunk?" He said, looking at her with a shocked expression. She laughed again.

"So what if I am? What's the big deal?" Adam was still trying to recover from shock.

"Why are you even with Fitz?" He asked her. Her eyes darkened.

"Eli broke up with me. I was running and I passed out on the sidewalk. Fitz found me and helped me get back to school." She said through clenched teeth.

Wait, why would he break up with you?" He asked. Tear welled up in Clare's eyes, but she took another sip from her water bottle.

"I'm not good enough for him anymore." She said simply, walking away from him and rejoining Fitz. The bottle was almost empty.

"Shit." She swore under her breath.

"Hey, it's cool. I know where we can get more." She smiled and looked over, seeing Adam talking to Eli.

"She was passed out on the sidewalk? Oh, God. I'm such an idiot. Anything could've happened to her." He buried his head in his hands. She could've gotten hit by a car. Just like Julia. He never should've broken up with her. He just couldn't watch her tear herself down without there being anything he could do. He had to talk to her.

He walked up to her and pulled her aside, just like Adam had done.

"We need to talk." He said, looking from her over to Fitz.

"We have nothing to talk about, Eli." She said, venom coating her voice, making him flinch.

"Yes we do. Now you're hanging out with Fitz? He's not good company to keep. You can't keep doing this." He said, pain in his eyes, as he stared her down. She clenched her teeth.

"First of all, I'm going to hang out with and do whatever the fuck I want." He looked at her with a shocked expression. He had never heard her swear before. "Second of all, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." She said, walking away, leaving him standing in the middle of the parking lot.

She heard the final bell ring. School was over? How long had she been passed out? She got into Fitz's car, smirking at Eli and taking the last gulp of her bottle. With him out of the picture, she could start cutting again. Nobody was holding her back anymore.

It was a funny little world she was creating for herself. She never thought she would be drinking. She never thought she would be cutting. She never thought she'd be in a car with Fitz. But everything had changed.

She wasn't the old Clare anymore, who had a good family (not including her sister's issues), who went to church every day, who never swore. Now she was this new person who was unrecognizable. Someone who drank and cut and swore and was abused. And she hated it all. She wished it would go away. But she was in too deep.

He phone buzzed. Mom.

_Hey, honey. Do you have a ride home from school today?_

She laughed under her breath. Like her mom actually cared.

_I'm going over to Alli's but I'll be home sometime tonight._

She shut her phone off, not wanting to deal with anything anymore. They had gotten more alcohol and Fitz grabbed her hand, pulling her to her new, intoxicating, dangerous life. They drank too much. She ended up telling Fitz what happened with her and Eli.

"I can pound on him if you want me to. I wouldn't mind at all." He offered and she laughed.

"Appreciate the offer, but it's not necessary. At least for now." She said, and they continued drinking, helping each other destroy their lives.


	5. Broken

**A/N: Okay the chapter has been redone, with some more music in it. I heard the song after I posted this and thought it would've been really cool for this chapter. Chapter 6 is coming up tonight **

He hated it. Every single day he watched her come to school with Fitz, drunk off her ass. She wore long-sleeved shirts and too much makeup. She ate lunch with Fitz and Bianca. She skipped their English class more often than not. It killed him inside.

When she wasn't with Fitz or Bianca, she was resuming her cutting. She missed him. She missed his sarcastic grin. _Cut._ She missed his emerald eyes. _Drink_. She missed his kisses. _Cut_. Her dad pushed her into the wall. _Drink_. He almost broke her nose. _Cut_. It was the same routine. Over and over again, gnawing away at her insides. She needed Eli. More than anything else, she needed him to save her. But she would never admit it.

_I hurt myself today  
To see if I still feel  
I focus on the pain  
The only thing that's real  
The needle tears a hole  
The old familiar sting  
Try to kill it all away  
But I remember everything_

What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end  
You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit  
Upon my liar's chair  
Full of broken thoughts  
I cannot repair  
Beneath the stains of time  
The feelings disappear  
You are someone else  
I am still right here

What have I become?  
My sweetest friend  
Everyone I know  
Goes away in the end

You could have it all  
My empire of dirt  
I will let you down  
I will make you hurt  
If I could start again  
A million miles away  
I would keep myself  
I would find a way

She looked at the scars that ran down her arms, the bruises that covered her entire body. She couldn't do it anymore. She heard a crash from downstairs. She cringed. Her father was home. He slammed open her bedroom door, staring at her with an evil glint in his eyes.

He came after her, knocking her down into her nightstand. Her lip hit the edge and busted open, blood pouring out of it.

"You selfish bitch! You ruined our marriage!" He screamed, kicking her in her stomach. He kicked her again, but this time with full force, sending her flying into her desk. She felt something warm coming from the back of her head. She was bleeding, but she couldn't move. It would only make things worse. She cried out in pain as he stepped on her arm. She heard a sickening crunch.

He had turned away, leaving her broken body on the floor of her bedroom, blood covering her carpet. He was done with her for today. Her arm was broken. She could tell. The abuse had never been this bad before. She heard his car pulling out of the driveway and reached for her phone, which was only a few feet away from her, with her good arm.

Only one person came to mind when she tried to think of who to call. Eli. She dialed his number and struggled to press the phone to her ear. He picked up on the first ring.

"Clare?" She had missed that voice.

"Eli." She whispered, her voice filled with pain. "I need you to come get me. I'm at my house. Please. Before he comes back." She said, tears running down her face.

"Clare, tell me what happened. What's going on?" He said, his voice laced with panic. She could feel herself disappearing.

"Hurry." She whispered, before dropping the phone and slipping into unconsciousness.

_If I die young, bury me in satin_

_Lay me down on a bed of roses_

_Sink me in the river at dawn_

_Send me away with the words of a love song_

"Clare? Clare can you hear me? Clare!" He yelled, already driving to her house. He parked his car in her driveway and burst through the front door, running up the stairs two steps at a time, before entering her room.

What he saw broke his heart. Clare's crumpled body was unconscious, her arm twisted at an odd angle, bruises everywhere, blood surrounding her. Her lip was busted open, and her light brown hair was matted with deep red blood.

_The sharp knife_

_Of a short life_

_Well, I've had_

_Just enough time_

He pulled out his phone and rushed over to her, dialing 911. He cradled her in his arms, stating his emergency. Soon enough, an ambulance was arriving.

"I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I-I love you, Clare." He whispered in her ear, right before the whisked her into the ambulance, ripping him away from her.

_A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar_

_They're worth so much more after I'm a goner_

_And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing_

_Funny when you're dead how people start listening_

He cried that day. He let it all out. He hated himself for leaving Clare. He should've been there for her. She had fallen and he wasn't there to catch her. The only thing he knew was that he wouldn't let her go back to that house. He couldn't risk her getting hurt again.

The doctor had come to talk to him. She had a broken arm, three cracked ribs, a busted lip, deep cuts along her arms, and a concussion. He cringed. His Clare was battered and broken. Would it ever end?

Walking into her hospital room, he saw his perfect angel, covered in battle scars. There was a cast on one arm, an IV stuck in the other, bruises covering her entire body, and a bandage wrapped around her head. His heart sank. Why her?

He sat down in the chair next to her bed and placed his hand on hers. He stayed like that for some time. Her eyes fluttered open, looking around in shock.

"Eli." She breathed out.

"Clare. Clare, I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I-I should have been there. I'm so sorry." He whispered, his eyes filling with tears.

"It's okay, Eli. None of this was your fault. I shouldn't have shut you out." She said. He leaned down and brushed his lips against hers. She smiled.

"I missed you."


	6. It's Killing Me

"I missed you." She said quietly, but in an instant, her eyes filled with panic. She let out a small gasp.

"Clare? What's wrong?" Eli said, thinking Clare was in pain. Tears were running down her face.

"You…you can't t-tell them, Eli. About m-my dad. Please. Don't." He clenched his jaw and thought about it for a moment.

"I won't. But on one condition." He said, his eyes staring down into her soul. She nodded silently.

"When you get out of here, I'm taking you back to your house, you're packing your things, and you're staying with me." He said to her. She nodded again. Even she wasn't stupid enough to go back to living at her house.

"What are we supposed to tell the doctors?" She squeaked out. He thought for a moment.

"We'll tell them you fell down a flight of stairs. You dragged yourself back to your room and then called me to come get you." He said. She nodded once again. She began to relax a little bit, despite the throbbing pain in her head.

Soon enough she was being shaken awake by Eli. It was time to go home. He helped her get into her wheelchair and wheeled her down the ramp and out to his hearse.

"You don't know relieved I am that you're okay." He said after laying her down in the backseat. "I thought I lost you." There were tears in his eyes.

"The sharp knife of a short life." She whispered, before drifting into unconsciousness. They arrived at her house. Her dad wasn't home. Eli woke her up and helped her up the stairs to her bedroom. There was a huge blood stain by her desk. Her eyes filled with tears, but she did her best to ignore it.

She got out a suitcase of hers and began emptying her drawers, grabbing her pictures, putting her laptop in its case, picking up her notebooks, her phone and its charger, anything she could think of. She walked into her bathroom and slipped in her knife along with her other things while Eli wasn't looking.

"I have to get a few things from downstairs. You wait here." She said, giving him a kiss before walking down the stairs with her suitcase. She went straight for the kitchen, opening up the cabinet and grabbing every bottle she could, putting it in her suitcase. She needed these things. They were as important to her as food.

She zipped up her suitcase and walked into the living room, calling Eli down, letting him know she was ready. She checked the clock hanging on the wall. Her dad would be home soon. Eli came down the stairs and picked up her suitcase.

"Be careful. There are some fragile things in it." She was referring to the bottles, but Eli didn't need to know that. He nodded and put her suitcase in the back of his hearse, before helping her into the front seat. She leaned into him, resting her head on his chest.

They sat in silence for most of the car ride. She broke that silence.

"Thank you." She whispered. He sighed. He knew she hadn't heard him when he told her he loved her.

"It's okay, Blue Eyes. It's okay." She smiled up at him. His eyes stayed straight ahead, pulling up into his driveway.

"Where….where are your parents?" She asked quietly. She realized that every time she had visited, they had been alone. His eyes darkened, though not with anger, but with sadness.

"My mom died when I was seven. My dad works too much to ever be home. And when I say he's never home, I mean it. He drops by every once and while, gives me money for whatever. I do the shopping, he pays the bills. It's not that bad." He said. She frowns.

"So you live by yourself? Where does your dad stay?" She asked, obviously confused.

"He has an apartment on the other side of town where he works. I guess he figured it would be better to leave me here than rip me away from my life." He said. She hugged him and got out of the car, opening up the trunk.

He picked up her suitcase and brought it inside. Looking around, he thought for a moment.

"You can have my dad's old room, or, uh, you could stay in my room. Whatever you want to do." He said quietly.

"I…I want to stay with you. I don't want to be alone." She said. He nodded and brought her suitcase up to his room and cleared out a few drawers. She remembered the knife and the bottles in her bag.

"Can I, um, unpack alone?" She asked quietly. He hesitated a moment before kissing her and walking out of the room. She heard his footsteps retreating down the stairs and sighed in relief, unzipping her suitcase.

She took her clothes and put them in the empty drawers. She placed a picture or two on top of the table. She put everything in its place, leaving only the knife and the bottles in the suitcase. She zipped it back up and put it in the corner of the room.

She walked down the stairs and joined Eli on the couch. He put his arm around her. She curled up into him, being careful of her ribs. Clare turned on the TV, flipping through channels, before stopping on LMN.

But she wished she never had. She didn't know what movie it was, but she knew what she saw. A man abusing his wife and daughter. She let out a sharp cry.

"I need to go to the bathroom." She whispered, getting up from the couch and running up the stairs. All she could see in her mind was her dad. That evil glint. Her mother, lying unconscious on the floor. The blood surrounding her own body just the day before. She opened her suitcase and grabbed one of the bottles, opening it and pressing it to her lips.

She felt the whiskey rush down her throat. She felt instant relief. It was going away. The memories of it were fading. She took another sip.

"What the hell?" She heard a voice coming from the door. She spun towards it. Eli walked over to her pulling the bottle from her hands.

"Clare…not again. Please don't do this." He whispered. Her hands were shaking. Tears were escaping her eyes. She bit her lip.

"I don't have another way to cope, Eli. It's killing me." She said to him. He clenched his jaw. He hated seeing her like this.

"This isn't the answer. There are other ways to cope. Please, Clare." He said. She slid down the wall, tears streaming down her face.

"I can't do this anymore. It's getting harder every day." She whispered. He sat down next to her and wrapped his arms around her.

"It'll be okay, Blue Eyes." He said quietly.

_**FadeAway**_

"I need a favor." Clare said quietly, pulling Bianca aside. Bianca raised an eyebrow.

"I don't do favors, Edwards." She said, smirking. Clare rolled her eyes.

I need you to get me some…antidepressants." She said. She knew this was just as bad as the drinking, but with Eli constantly watching her alcohol intake, she needed something else.

"Sure, but it's gonna cost you." She said. Clare nodded. She'd do anything to stop the hurt. Now that she was constantly in pain, she'd do anything to return to the numbness she used to possess. The grass was always greener on the other side.

"I don't care how much it costs. Just get them for me." She said. Bianca nodded and Clare returned to the bench where Eli and Adam were sitting. They stared at her.

"What? Just because I stopped drinking, doesn't mean I'm not cool with Bianca and Fitz." She said, resuming eating her lunch. Adam shrugged.

Clare knew what she was getting herself into. But her life was already ruined. What difference did it make?


	7. AN!

**A/N: Okay guys, I'm grounded for a month so I won't be updating until September 30****th****. I'm sorry!**


	8. Leaving

"Thanks. I owe you." Clare said, taking the pill bottle from Bianca's manicured hands. Bianca smirked at her.

"So when did you become a druggie?" She asked, a condescending smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

"Since things started getting complicated." Clare said, frowning, thinking about what Eli would do if he ever found out. He couldn't. He would take it away from her and she would have nothing left.

"Whatever you say, Saint Clare." Bianca said, using her old nickname. Clare thought of the irony of it all. This wasn't supposed to be her life. She was the good kid, the Jesus freak, the one who never screwed up.. Now she was standing behind the school buying drugs from _Bianca_ of all people.

She wanted to stop, but the pain was unbearable. Even with Eli supporting her, she couldn't keep her emotions in check. He wouldn't let her drink. He wouldn't let her cut. She knew deep down that he was just trying to keep her safe, but she couldn't deal with things.

Memories haunted her. The brutal beatings were in every corner of her mind. She could practically feel her head hitting the desk. She could still hear the sickening crunching sound her arm had made when he snapped it in half. It clouded her brain with each step she took.

She had horrible nightmares where she came face to face with him. Every time he still had that evil glint in his eyes. She'd scream in her sleep and thrash around, or so she was told. She wasn't healthy or sane in away.

She slipped the pills in her bag and headed to Eli's hearse. He was leaning against the car, listening to his iPod. He saw her and smirked. She realized it had been so long since she had seen him smirk. She was tempted to take a picture and save it for all the times he was angry at her or worried about her.

She didn't want him to worry about her. As she looked at him, she saw the sadness and concern in his eyes. She realized she couldn't hold him back anymore. He deserved better than her. He was better than the situation she was putting him in.

That night she waited for him to fall asleep and made a phone call to Bianca.

"Can I stay with you for a while? It'll only be temporary. I promise." She said quietly. She didn't know where she was going afterwards, but she needed to leave.

"Uh, sure. It's no problem." Bianca said, uncertainty etched in her voice. Claire sighed in relief.

"Thank you." She said, snapping her phone shut and turning to look for her suitcase. She threw everything she owned into her suitcase, before grabbing her phone. She looked at Eli, sleeping so peacefully. She knew she loved him. That's why she had to leave. But she left a note.

_Eli,_

_Please know I'm sorry I had to leave like this, but I'm not right for you. I have too many things going on that you don't need to deal with. You deserve a beautiful girl who can laugh and make you happy. You deserve someone who makes you smile and lights up your whole world, rather than dulling it down._

_You don't need to feel obligated to watch over me and make sure I'm not doing anything stupid. I'm not worth it. I don't know where I'm going to stay, but please don't worry about me. Just know that even if things aren't okay with me now, they will be soon enough. At least I hope they will._

_Don't come looking for me. You'll be better off without me anyway. And I want you to know that I love you. And I always will. I'm sorry. Goodbye._

_Clare_

She had never told him she loved him before. She left a few tears slip out as she placed the letter on top of the pillow next to his. She took one last look at Eli, grabbed her suitcase, and ran out into the cold night air.

Eli woke up alone and frowned, looking around the room. Why was it so empty? Where were Clare's pictures? His eyes landed on a piece of paper sitting on the pillow next to his. His brows furrowed in confusion as he picked it up and opened it. His world stopped spinning as he read the words written inside.

He jumped up and yanked open her drawers. Empty. Her suitcase was gone. Everything was gone.

"No." He whispered. Questions came through his mind full speed, one right after another. Where was she? Was she safe? How could she do this? Would she be at school? Was anything right in his world anymore?

Weeks passed. She never came to school. She was nowhere. His days dragged on. He missed her. He wondered if he would ever get over her. His world wasn't spinning any longer. Until the day he saw her sitting on a bench in the park.

Her eyes were dull, her hair was flat, she was wearing long sleeved shirts again, but god, she was beautiful. He ran up to her.

"Where the hell have you been?" He demanded. She looked up at him. Her face was tear-streaked. He immediately softened at the sight of it.

"Clare, where have you been?" He asked again, quietly. He sat next to her and wrapped her in his arms. She wiggled away. She wouldn't let him get sucked into this mess of her life again.

"Please talk to me." He pleaded, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. She looked at him for a moment.

"This wasn't supposed to be my life, Eli. And I can't drag you down with me. Why can't you understand that you can't ruin your life for me?" Her voice shook as she spoke. They were walking down the street now, the wind whipping at their faces.

"Because…I love you." He said. Her head snapped up, her eyes wide with shock. Emotions ripped through her like a tidal wave.

"I-I love you too, Eli. That's why I need to stay away from you." She whispered. He took her hands in his and was about to speak, but something caught his eye. A scar ran across her arm, but this one was longer, deeper, and positioned right at the vein.

"What's this?" He asked her. His eyes were dark. She whimpered slightly and shielded herself. He looked at her with shock.

"Clare, I would never hurt you. Just tell me what happened." He said. Clare sighed. She couldn't tell him. He wouldn't understand. She took a deep breath.

"I felt like I didn't have anything to live for anymore…I just…I…" She stammered out, but he cut her off.

"Oh, god. You tried to kill yourself? Do you realize how stupid that was?" There was pain in his eyes. His brain was frozen at the thought of Clare being dead.

_If I die young, bury me in satin_

_Lay me down on a bed of roses_

_Sink me in the river at dawn_

_Send me away with the words of a love song_

"Our scars remind us that the past is real." She whispered. She looked down at the ground. She hated that he had found her. She should've been more careful. She had taken precautions for weeks and now it was all over.

"Clare, listen to me! You can't do this!" He shouted. She flinched and took a step backwards, hitting a brick wall. They were behind the Dot.

"I love you. And I want to be with you, regardless of what life throws at us." He said to her. She blinked back tears threatening to spill over.

"I don't want to be with you if it means this is going to be your life." She argued. She was shaking. She needed this. A proper goodbye. She hated leaving that note.

"I need to leave. Goodbye Eli." She whispered, turning to walk away. He grabbed her wrist lightly and spun her around to face him.

"Please. You can't leave me again." He said to her. He leaned in and kissed her softly. Without thinking, she kissed him back, almost like a reflex, but then realized what was happening and pulled back sharply.

She turned, running as fast as she could, tears streaming down her face. And just like that, she was gone. Out of his life once again.

**A/N: Alright so I wrote this during class and then snuck my computer away and typed it up for you guys. Feel special. It was risky. **


	9. Broken Smile

A lot of people didn't realize that Bianca could be a good friend if she wanted to. She was letting Clare stay at her house, no strings attached.

Alli hadn't even texted her once since she dropped out. She probably didn't even notice Clare was gone, too busy with Jenna and Drew.

She was running, faster and faster with each step, her feet pounding against the asphalt. The wind was drying her tears as fast as they were coming down. Seeing Eli, kissing him again, had brought back too many emotions.

When she arrived back to the place she had grown to call home, Bianca was sitting on the couch, waiting for her. She was deep in concentration, trying figure out how to tell Clare.

"What's going on?" Clare asked warily, noting the expression on Bianca's face.

"Well, um, do you remember a couple months ago, when you moved in and you said it was only temporary?" She asked nervously. She had really grown to like Clare, and didn't treat her like she treated everyone else. Clare paled.

"Are you…are you kicking me out?" She stammered. Bianca bit her lip.

"Well, I'm kind of moving in with my boyfriend, so…" She didn't finish her sentence. Clare nodded slowly, still trying to process what was happening.

"It's…it's okay. I'll find somewhere else to stay." She said quietly. Bianca nodded her head, still slightly worried. Clare retreated to the room she and Bianca shared and grabbed her suitcase, packing her things as quickly as she could.

She looked around the room. It was empty. Bianca's things had already been packed. Clare sighed quietly.

She gave Bianca a hug goodbye, filled with promises to keep in touch, and stepped into the night.

She was walking aimlessly. She had nowhere to go. She couldn't go back home. She would get killed. Where would she spend the night? She didn't have any money for a hotel room. She spotted a familiar face standing in one of the alleys and smiled slightly. Fitz.

She stepped closer, the frowned. He was with his friends. And they were drinking. She hated the way they got when they drank together. She was about to turn around, but he saw her and called her over.

She walked over warily, and from what she could see, KC and Owen were with him.

"What are you doing out here so late?" Fitz asked mockingly. She shrugged slightly. She wasn't in the mood for Fitz's taunting.

KC came up to her and pushed her up against the wall. She looked up at him in shock.

"I've missed you." He whispered, but his words came out jumbled and slurred. He kissed her neck. She pushed him off of her and he looked down at her in fury.

She let out a cry of pain as his fist came in contact with her cheek. He grabbed his beer bottle and threw it at her, the glass shards reopening wounds she thought had been sealed. She let out a small sob.

KC's eyes widened as he realized what he was doing. The three guys broke into a sprint, leaving Clare leaning against the brick wall, sobbing in pain.

She grabbed her suitcase and walked to the only place she could think of, tears streaming down her face.

She walked up the steps and knocked hesitantly on the door.

_**FadeAway**_

He heard a quiet knock on the door and sighed. He didn't even care anymore. After seeing Clare earlier that day, kissing her again, his heart was shattered. Shattered at the sight of her dull gray eyes. Shattered at the thought of her attempting suicide. Shattered by watching her walk out of his life again.

He got up from the couch and opened the door slowly. His eyes widened in shock. Clare stood in front of him, suitcase in hand. But he didn't notice the suitcase. He noticed the tears running down her face, the bruise across her cheek, her lip cut open, and the blood running down her arm and dripping down her fingertips.

"Oh my god, Clare. What happened?" He asked, his voice filled with panic. She was sobbing now.

"I was walking…down the street…and I-I saw…" She gasped out. She was trying to get out her words through broken sobs, but couldn't, and only collapsed into Eli, crying into his chest.

He brought her inside and grabbed a wet washcloth, carefully cleaning the wounds on her arm and bottom lip.

He laid her down on the couch and she was asleep as soon as her head hit the throw pillow.

He watched her sleep, his mind racing. There were scars and fresh wounds running along her arms. There was a light purple bruise forming on her right cheek, but she was otherwise paler than usual. Her shirt was lying against her chest, her ribs protruding slightly.

She was in horrible condition, but he thought she was beautiful all the same and it killed him when her eyes fluttered open to reveal that the gorgeous blue orbs he had fallen in love with had become lifeless and broken.

_Beauty queen of only eighteen_  
_She had some trouble with herself_  
_He was always there to help her_  
_She always belonged to someone else_

_I drove for miles and miles_  
_And wound up at your door_  
_I've had you so many times but somehow_  
_I want more_

_I don't mind spending everyday_  
_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_  
_Look for the girl with the broken smile_  
_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_  
_And she will be loved_  
_She will be loved_

_Tap on my window knock on my door_  
_I want to make you feel beautiful_  
_I know I tend to get so insecure_  
_It doesn't matter anymore_

_It's not always rainbows and butterflies_  
_It's compromise that moves us along, yeah_  
_My heart is full and my door's always open_  
_You can come anytime you want_

_I don't mind spending everyday_  
_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_  
_Look for the girl with the broken smile_  
_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_  
_And she will be loved_  
_And she will be loved_  
_And she will be loved_  
_And she will be loved_

_I know where you hide_  
_Alone in your car_  
_Know all of the things that make you who you are_  
_I know that goodbye means nothing at all_  
_Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls_

_Tap on my window knock on my door_  
_I want to make you feel beautiful_

_I don't mind spending everyday_  
_Out on your corner in the pouring rain_  
_Look for the girl with the broken smile_  
_Ask her if she wants to stay awhile_  
_And she will be loved_  
_And she will be loved_  
_And she will be loved_  
_And she will be loved_

**A/N: It keeps getting riskier, people. I fear I will start failing math class for you guys. Feel lucky.**


	10. You're Worth It

While she slept, a slideshow of images played in her head, taunting her, making her squirm, flashing back and forth. Images of KC's clenched fist coming at her. Images of her father. Images of every knife she dragged across her arm, every bottle she pressed to her lips, every single pill she popped.

She couldn't take it anymore. She forced herself to wake up, slowly opening her eyes to find herself staring at Eli. He was sitting next to her, his emerald eyes pained.

"I-I…what?" She stammered out, looking around the room in a daze. She tried to prop herself up but yelped in pain and fell back, her arm stinging.

A rush of memories flooded back to her as she remembered everything that had happened. She let out a gasp as tears welled up in her eyes. How could KC do that to her? And Eli. He had been there for her all along, always catching her when she fell, no matter what she did.

"I love you." She breathed out, tears dropping to the couch. She curled up into his chest and cried. He didn't ask questions, just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him.

The crying soon subsided and she pulled away, staring at him for a long moment, not saying anything. Eli broke the silence.

"Are you hungry?" He asked. Clare's stomach growled in response and she nodded. He gave her a kiss on the cheek that wasn't bruised and disappeared into the kitchen. Clare wasted no time in reaching for her suitcase and pulling out a clear bottle, taking a few gulps and throwing it back in. Five minutes later Eli came out carrying a bowl of soup.

She ate quickly, surprised at how hungry she was. She wasn't sure how long it'd been since she'd eaten a proper meal. She always seemed to forget she needed to eat. Eli cleared his throat.

"Clare, what…what happened last night?" He asked her quietly. There was pain in his voice that killed Clare when she heard it.

"You promise not to do anything stupid?" She asked nervously. He nodded. She flashed back to the night before and launched herself into the story.

"I was staying at Bianca's house. I had just gotten back after seeing you and she told me I had to find another place to stay because she was moving in with her boyfriend." She paused, struggling to get her words out.

"I packed my things and I was walking down the street. I had no clue where I was gonna go. I saw Fitz standing in an alley." Eli's fists clenched. Clare ignored it.

"He called me over and I realized that he was with Owen and…KC." Eli nodded, confused by the pain in her eyes when she had said the jock's name.

"I walked over. They were all drunk. Fitz was teasing me about being out so late. KC came up to me and pushed me up against the wall. He t-told me that he had m-missed me and kissed my neck." She stopped, tears in her eyes. Eli clenched his fists again.

"I pushed him off of me and he…he came at me and…punched me in the face. And then he grabbed his beer bottle and threw it at me. It reopened a few cuts. And then they all ran." She was sobbing now, trying to get a hold of herself. Eli was furious. How dare this guy lay a finger on his Clare.

He stood up, fists clenched, but Clare pulled him back down.

"You promised you wouldn't do anything stupid." She said, looking at him with a worried expression. Suddenly the front door opened. A middle aged man stepped through the door. He looked like an older version of Eli.

"Eli, sorry to drop in on such short-" He stopped mid-sentence, looking up from his phone to see Clare sitting on the couch.

"Uh, hi Dad." Eli said, jumping up from the couch. His father had a confused expression etched on his face as he looked between Clare and Eli.

"Who's this?" He asked slowly, pointing at Clare. Eli composed his face.

"This is my girlfriend, Clare. She just came over so we could go get breakfast." He lied smoothly. Clare smiled and waved.

"Why does she have a bruise on her face?" His father asked him. This time Clare jumped in.

"I fell down at school. I can be clumsy sometimes." She joked with forced laughter. Eli's father smiled slightly.

"Well, okay. I was just stopping by to drop off some money and check in on things." He said, holding up an envelope. Eli grabbed the envelope from him.

"Thanks, Dad." He said, faking a smile. There was an awkward silence, a brief tense moment.

"Do you want me to stay in town and get some food?" He asked.

"No, it's fine. I'll go grocery shopping later. You can get back to work." Eli said, a slight edge to his voice.

"Alright, well I'm gonna head out then. I'll see you soon." He said, opening the door. Eli gave a quick nod and watched him walk away. He let out a sigh as soon as the door closed. He shook his head and walked over to where Clare was sitting.

"Well, that's Dad. In and out whenever he wants." There was bitterness to his voice. In truth, he felt what his father was doing could almost be considered abandonment.

"You know I have to punch that KC guy in the face, right?" He said, turning to look at Clare. Clare's expression turned to panic.

"No! Eli, you can't! It's not worth it." He sat down next to her and looked her straight in the eye.

"You're worth it." He said quietly, leaning in and kissing her. He got up and walked out the door, getting in his car and driving away.

She ran over to her suitcase, yanking out the little orange pill bottle. She knew it was wrong. She knew Eli would be disappointed. But she couldn't help it.

_**FadeAway**_

Eli saw him, standing behind the Dot with Jenna. She was crying, but Eli didn't seem to notice. He parked the car, getting out and slamming the door. Neither noticed Eli. He heard KC shouting.

"How is this for the best in any possible way, Jenna? Do you even hear yourself?" He yelled. Eli ran up to them.

"I swear, if you ever fucking touch Clare again!" He yelled, pulling his fist back and punching KC in the jaw. KC stumbled backwards, but regained balance and knocked Eli to the ground.

"KC, what is he talking about?" Jenna shouted accusingly. The question caught KC off guard long enough for Eli to get up and punch him in the gut. KC fell to the ground. Eli crouched down and lowered his voice to almost a whisper.

"If you ever hurt her again, you're gonna wish you were never born." He threatened, his voice menacing. He didn't wait for KC to respond and stood up. He gave Jenna a long look. Tears were running down her face. Without saying anything, Eli walked away, leaving the dysfunctional couple behind the Dot.

When he got in his car, he saw his reflection in the rearview mirror. He had a minor cut on his lip, but not much else. It didn't matter anyway. Clare was worth it.

_**FadeAway**_

She was fading, disappearing, just like she always feared she would. Where was Eli? He had made a promise that he wouldn't let her fade. Another pill. The bottle was empty. She was getting tired. She could barely keep her eyes open.

Eli opened the door. She was clutching the pill bottle, afraid that it was the only thing keeping her there.

"Clare, what the hell happened?" He asked, staring in shock at the empty pill bottle.

"You promised me you wouldn't let me fade." She whispered. It didn't take a genius to figure out what Clare had done. He picked her up and ran out to his hears, laying her in the backseat before getting behind the wheel and driving as fast as he could to the hospital.

"I love you, Eli." She whispered as she drifted into unconsciousness.

_If I die young bury me in satin  
Lay me down on a bed of roses  
Sink me in the river at dawn  
Send me away with the words of a love song_

The ballad of a dove  
Go with peace and love  
Gather up your tears, keep them in your pocket  
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them

The sharp knife of a short life, well  
I've had just enough time


	11. AN! Sorry!

**A/N: Alright guys. Not a chapter. Sorry! I don't have enough time to type up a whole chapter before my parents get home. But I wanted to let you guys know that the 29****th**** of September is nearing, and I will officially be off punishment, which means no more sneaking around. There will be more frequent chapters, longer chapters, etc…**

**Another thing I wanted to say was that there's going to be a lot of NEW STORIES! Yay! They'll all be just as dark and disturbing. You will very rarely find a complete fluff story written by me. But picture mental hospitals, eating disorders, abusive relationships. It's gonna be awesome.**

**The last thing I wanted to do was get your opinion on the new Degrassi promo on Teennick. The one where Eli's freaking out and Jenna's seeing things. I am so pumped for the new season, aren't you? Can't wait for more Eli! So, sorry about the author's note, but just wanted to fit some things in. Expect an update this weekend coming up. Bye!**


	12. Stand In The Rain

He sat in the hospital chair, trying to piece his sanity back together. He had almost lost her again. All he could think about was how she looked when he came back. Defeated, like she had given up, like she couldn't fight anymore. It had torn him apart. He couldn't stand it. He missed her, who she used to be. The only one who could match his sarcasm without missing a beat. The girl with the bright blue eyes and the gorgeous smile. He would do anything to get her back.

He wondered why all of these things had to happen to Clare. She didn't deserve it. Would he ever be able to make her see what she was doing?

While Clare slept, her mind wandered. She could picture her parents' marriage no longer suffering now that she was gone. She wondered if either of them missed her or if they were happier without her. But maybe her father was still beating her mother…

Her eyes shot open. There were harsh bright lights around her and she was covered in an itchy sheet. The hospital. She let out a small groan. She hated hospitals. She could only remember the feeling of leaving, the feeling of a weight being lifted, as if she really was fading away.

He walked through the door with the pained expression Clare had almost grown used to.

"You have no idea how scared I was." He said, sitting down next to her. She didn't answer, just looked down at her hands. She didn't want Eli to be disappointed.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head.

"I signed you out, so when you're ready to-" He began. She cut him off quickly.

"We can leave now. But, um, I need you to take me somewhere." She said.

"Okay. Where?" Eli asked. Where could Clare possibly need to go?

"I, uh, need you to take me back to my house." She said quietly, looking down at her hands. Eli's eyes darkened a shade.

"What?" He asked, his voice low. Clare looked up at him.

"My dad isn't home right now. I was forced to memorize his work schedule a long time ago. I just need to make sure my mom is safe." Eli's jaw clenched but he nodded.

Clare's hands were shaking as they drove to her house. She knew being there would resurface a lot of memories, she just didn't know how hard they would crash down on her.

She got more and more nervous as they came up to her house. Her hands kept shaking. Eli noticed and took her hand in his. She felt instant calm. She reluctantly released his and opened the car door.

"Wait here. I'll be back." He nodded and kissed her. She got out of the car and walked up the steps. Her whole body was shaking as she reached for the handle and pulled open the door.

She stepped inside. It still looked exactly the same. From what she could see, there was no one around. She walked slowly up the stairs, straight for her parents' bedroom. She passed her own room and peeked in. It was the same, that blood stain near the desk still haunting her.

She clenched her teeth and kept walking. The door to her parents' room was open. She peeked inside and let out a small gasp, stumbling backwards. Her father was passed out in the room, clutching a bottle of whiskey. Thank god she hadn't made any noise.

She took another step backwards and bolted down the stairs and out the door. Seeing her father had resurfaced too many emotions for her to handle.

She yanked open the car door and got in as quickly as she could. She was crying and gasping for air.

"Clare! Clare, what happened?" Eli asked, panic etched in his voice. Clare struggled to get out the words.

"Just…drive." She gasped out. Her mind blacked out for a moment and when she looked again, she was in her bedroom, her father coming at her. She could hear him shouting at her as he kicked her in the stomach.

"You selfish bitch! You ruined our marriage!" She was screaming now, begging for him to stop. Something was shaking her, but it wasn't her father. She blacked out again. She was back in the car with Eli. He was the one shaking her.

"Clare! What happened?" Eli asked again. Clare clenched her teeth and then released and she let out a broken sob.

"He…he was there, Eli. He was…there." She cried out, leaning against his chest. Eli's eyes darkened, which they seemed to be doing a lot of those days.

"What happened? Did he hurt you?" He said, his tone so protective, that for once, Clare felt safe. She shook her head.

"He was passed out. I just…" She kept crying, unable to speak anymore, and Eli pulled her closer while he drove. By the time they arrived at Eli's house, she had stopped crying, but she was still shaken up. Eli parked the car and turned to face Clare.

"I will never let him hurt you again. Do you understand?" He said to her and she nodded silently. A thought came through her mind.

"When I saw him passed out, he was…holding a bottle of whiskey." Clare began. "I just don't want to be that person, Eli. Please don't let me become that person." She said to him. He leaned in and kissed her.

She shifted closer to him and deepened the kiss, running her hand through his thick black hair. They broke apart for air.

"I love you." She whispered, staring into his emerald eyes.

"I love you too, Blue Eyes." He smiled.

_She never slows down  
She doesn't know why but  
she knows that when  
She's all alone feels  
Like it's all coming down  
She won't turn around  
The shadows are long  
And she fears if she cries  
That first tear  
The tears will not stop  
Raining down_

So stand in the rain  
Stand your ground  
Stand up when it's all crashing down  
You stand through the pain  
You won't drown  
And one day what's lost can be found  
You stand in the rain

She won't make a sound  
Alone in this fight with herself  
And the fears whispering  
If she stands, she'll fall down  
She wants to be found  
The only way out is through  
everything she's running from  
Wants to give up and lie down

So stand in the rain  
Stand your ground  
Stand up when it's all crashing down  
You stand through the pain  
You won't drown  
And one day what's lost can be found  
You stand in the rain

So stand in the rain  
Stand your ground  
Stand up when it's all crashing down  
Stand through the pain  
You won't drown  
And one day what's lost can be found

So stand in the rain  
Stand your ground  
Stand up when it's all crashing down  
You stand through the pain  
You won't drown  
And one day what's lost can be found  
You stand in the rain


	13. I Don't Want To Lose You

**A/N: Officially off punishment bitches! Woot woot! *Sigh* Clare's had about three near-death experiences over the course of this story. When her father beat her that last time, when she tried to commit suicide by cutting, and when she swallowed all those pills. What are we gonna do with her? That girl is seriously messed up. Enjoy this chapter and check out my one-shot Little Red Pills and my new story Wasting. **

"She wasn't there. How am I supposed to know she's okay?" Clare asked. They were sitting on the couch in Eli's house, Eli with his arm around Clare and Clare leaning into his chest.

"Maybe…we could go back. I could go inside with you if it makes you feel better." He said, kissing the top of her head. Clare looked up at him doubtfully.

"I don't know, Eli…" She said to him. She bit her lip.

"She's your mom, Clare." He said to her. She knew he was right. What if her father had seriously injured her? So Clare mustered up every ounce of courage she could and wound up right back at her front door.

"I don't know if I can do this." Clare said, having second thoughts about agreeing to go back to this hell hole of her past.

"You can do it. I'll be right her with you." He said and she felt reassured. She felt protected. She slowly opened the door and gripped Eli's hand a little tighter.

There he was, passed out on the couch, clutching a bottle of vodka. Clare gasped and stumbled backwards, tears filling her eyes.

"Shh. It's okay. I'm right here." Eli whispered in her ear. She looked up to see a figure walking down the stairs, a suitcase in her hand.

"Mom?" Clare whispered. Her mother's head snapped up and she looked at Clare with a mixture of shock and relief.

"Oh, Clare! I was so worried." She whispered back. "Let's talk outside. I don't want to risk waking him up." Clare nodded and they walked out to the front steps. Once the door was closed, they were able to talk in normal voices.

Her mother wrapped her in a hug. Clare stiffened, then relaxed and hugged her back, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Thank god you're okay." Clare said to her mother. Eli smiled slightly at the scene.

"I could say the same about you. It's been months. But I understand why you had to leave." She said, a sad look crossing her face. Clare pointed to her suitcase.

"Looks like you're leaving too." She said with a smile. Her mother nodded.

"I'm finally leaving your father. You're welcome to come live with me. I found an apartment on the other side of town." She said.

"Thanks, mom. But I'm happy where I am." Clare smiled and grabbed Eli's hand. Clare's mother turned toward Eli and gave him a warm smile.

"Thank you for taking care of my daughter. She deserves someone who will treat her right." She said to him. She gave Clare another hug and they said their goodbyes. Clare watched a taxi pull up and her mother step inside of it. She watched it drive away forever.

"I'm so glad she's okay." Clare said, turning to Eli. He smiled at her.

"I love you, Blue Eyes." Eli whispered, leaning in to kiss her.

_**FadeAway**_

They were back at Eli's house, sitting in the bedroom. Clare was unpacking her suitcase when she came across the pills, the knife, the whiskey. She picked up the knife slowly, turning it over and over in her hands. She felt the cold blade, feeling what she had once loved.

Tears welled in her eyes and she turned toward Eli, watching the pained expression on his face.

"I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to turn into my dad. I don't want to lose you." She whispered to him. She found a box and placed the knife, the pills, and the bottle of whiskey inside of it.

She knew things would never be easy, but as she took the lid and put it over the box, she could feel her old life being closed up along with it.

**Author's Note: Sadly, this is the last chapter of the story. A happy ending. Who would've guessed it. I will be writing many more stories (mainly Eclare) so make sure you read them. A big thank you to all of the readers and reviewers. I love you guys!**


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